Are You in a Casual Relationship?
Unless we’re talking about dress code, casual – especially when it comes to dating is ridden with false pretense. It’s much like the cold ‘I’m fine’ response we’re apt to give when things are clearly not ‘fine’. There’s always a catch.
We can agree or agree to disagree but – there’s nothing casual about casual dating. Regardless of how disengaged we set out to be (you know, it’s just sex right?), one person always wants more out of the relationship. Since you can’t rationalise emotions, someone is bound to get hurt due to false expectations. My girlfriend was seeing this guy, Cameron*. Cameron had just gotten out of a long term relationship and was just looking for fun aka a casual relationship. Though she wanted more, she was convinced the casual relationship would eventually morph into something serious and she was patient enough to wait for this to manifest. Not to our surprise, it didn’t. Easy come, easy go is the nature of casual relationships. I attribute this lack of commitment and fickleness to….NINTENDO GAMES.
My friend Aiden compares our fickleness in relationships to his video games. When he was given his first Nintendo game, he spent all his time and effort slaying dragons to get to the next level. With commitment and time, he eventually saved the princess ad finished the game. And then the next Christmas, he was given 5 new games. Flooded with new exciting options, Aiden then diverted his time on all his new toys, never really spending the time on one game. So the issue is, we’re spoilt by choice… bombarded by options with the fear of making the wrong decision. Whether it be choosing the game, the right partner or dinner entree, we’re constantly distracted by a buffet of options… and you know what happens at buffets – we end up bingeing.
The beginnings of a relationship can be confusing as both parties are trying to figure out where they stand. And so from experience, here are some typical signs you’re in a casual relationship or what other experts have dubbed ‘Relationship Lite’.
He’s defined it as a casual relationship
This may seem blatantly obvious but really, how many times have we misconstrued the truth to something we want to believe/hear? It takes guys courage to lay his intentions on the line so believe what they have to say. Phrases to listen out for: “I’ve just left a long-term relationship and am not looking for anything serious”, “I don’t have time for a girlfriend right now”, “I just want to have fun” or “I’m just looking for a casual relationship”.
It’s been three months and the relationship has not progressed
You’ve been dating for three months but the nature of the conversations haven’t deepened and you feel like you’re not getting to know him/her any better. In other words, you have very superficial conversations that requires no intimacy. Intimacy builds trust and strengthens a relationship. If your conversations are merely about what you got up to last weekend and fluff, you’re in a casual relationship.
You haven’t met any of his/her friends
Does he talk about his friends? Have you met them? Has he met your friends? If not, it most likely means you both are keeping your worlds separate which would have you guessing why. It’s probably because he/she doesn’t see longevity in what you have.
The relationship is purely physical
There’s nothing like physical chemistry and let’s face it, it doesn’t come easy. However, if you are looking for something beyond just sex, you need to connect with the other person on an emotional level too. If you’re not going on romantic dates and a Saturday night consists of a romp in the bedroom or a 3am booty call, you’re in a casual relationship.
There are no plans for a future together
When a guy is serious about a girl, he’ll plan for the future. No, it’s not the marriage and kids kind of planning. It’s more like a near future type of forward planning i.e. his cousin’s wedding in 6 months, weekend getaway in a few weeks or dinner with his parents.
If he isn’t doing this, he probably doesn’t see a future with you. You are in a casual relationship.
There is nothing wrong with a casual relationship and I know some women and men who are perfectly capable of keeping them. It really depends on where you are in life and what you want out of your relationship.
Photography by Danièle Francesca Martinie
What's Your Reaction?
I really like this article and it contains lots of valid, practical information!
I have had a significant number of casual and non-monogamous relationships over the years and the keys are communication and congruence. You need to communicate what you want from that person and maintain that approach throughout the relationship. I personally like to be completely upfront about my intentions, wants and needs from that person as casual relationships can be ruined because of ambiguity. Once the parameters of the relationship have been established, you can be free to enjoy each other’s company within that framework without fear of hurting the other person.
In terms of either party getting attached. If one person is dating or sleeping with a number of other partners, it is essential that the other party is also doing the same thing. Otherwise it will be an inequitable relationship and one party will become emotionally invested and problems will arise.
I would also recommend not seeing the partner more than once or twice per week. If you start seeing a single partner more than a couple of times per week, you will end up in a semi-committed relationship all too quickly.
Agreed. That’s exactly what I did with a friend of mine. We hung out sometimes till I felt a lot of lust. Decided to make out right then and there. I set my intentions right off the bat though… No commitment, no relationships, no girlfriend stuff. Just friends with some benefits and she agreed. So like once a week we’ve been seeing each other and doing things. Even told her that she could see whatever other guy she wanted and I could see any other girl as well… Though I think she’s secretly hoping for me to hook up with her… Last time we hooked up she was making too many subtle references (“We’re just like in a relationship, huh?”, ‘jokingly’ asking if I wanted to be her boyfriend), so I told her again that I didn’t want any commitment. If she is too emotionally invested, I’m gonna have to stop the whole “benefits” part of the friendship and stay friends.