Goodbye and Hello. How to Know When It’s Time to Move On

At some point we all have to move on. Regardless of how hard the break up was, there comes a time where we have to cast (or hide) our emotional baggage, put on the best version of ourselves and go on…a date.  But what happens after you go on a few dates and find yourself developing feelings for the other person? How do you know when it’s time to open your heart again to someone new? The general rule is that it takes half the time you were in the relationship to get over your ex though I don’t necessarily agree. Some people check out of the relationship months/years before it ends…which is why you hear of exes who get a new gf/bf 1 month after a break up. In their mind, they broke up with you way before the relationship ended.  I have a few friends in their 30s who are going through a tough break up and so the following inspired me to write this.   How do you know when it’s time to move on? If you can bring yourself to keep these 5 things in check, it’s time. Otherwise, spend some time on your own. Don’t date…and yes, that means stay off Tinder please.

Understand it’s over

Denial is a powerful emotion. It can create all these fantasies in your head, encourage you to cling onto hope that’s not there and put you at a standstill overthinking your chance of reconciliation. Sometimes accepting that it’s over is the hardest part. It’s easy to cling onto the hope that your partner or you might have made a mistake…that you two will get back together. But question how realistic this is. Some relationships are meant to have an expiration date and perhaps yours is one of them. Till you can accept it’s over, you won’t be ready to move on.

If you are still thinking of going to his favourite local to ‘bump’ into him whilst you’re all dolled up, you are still hanging onto hope that you’ll get back together. If you’re still finding excuses (even if for practical reasons) to stay in touch, you’re not ready.

The new can’t replace the old

You and your partner broke up for a reason, which means they weren’t right for you for whatever reason. Every relationship teaches you a lesson. For me, every person I date helps me realise the things I’m looking (or not) for in a partner. As tempting as it is to compare your new guy with the old, understand that two people are never the same. If it didn’t work out with your ex, why would you want someone who is exactly like him? Appreciate the differences and the different things people bring into your life.

Wait at least 3-6 months

There is not set ‘time’ when one should start dating again but I’d probably recommend waiting at least 3-6 months, to give yourself time to be on your own again. When you’re in a relationship in your late 20s and early 30s, relationships tend to get a bit serious i.e. you might have been living together, making future plans…etc. You shared a life with someone and now Sunday morning breakfasts with his family are dropped off the agenda and you find yourself wondering  what to do with your spare time. Take this time to sort out what you love to do, establish some sort of routine that’s just for you. Some people hate being single but this is probably the only time you’ll get to be selfish with your time. Enjoy it.

You let people know where your heart is at

Moving on is hard work especially if you’ve been out of the dating scene for awhile. It seems that no one meets organically anymore because they are all hiding behind Tinder or eHarmony profiles. I digress! If you’ve started dating again and still feel a bit vulnerable, you might need to give your potential partner a heads up. I don’t mean dump all your emotional baggage on them on date 1 but I think it’s important to manage their expectations. If you’re not ready for a relationship and just want to date, let your intentions known. Be fair to yourself and to others who may want more from you than just a date.

You don’t rely on others to heal you/fill a void

Know that only you can mend your heart. Yes, friends can guide you along the way and listen but they can’t make you happy. That is something you have to find within. It will take time and it’ll be an ongoing process but you are responsible for your own happiness. If you acknowledge that, you’re good to go.   As Jack says, so you’ve had your heart broken and you have scars. Hide it with foundation. Moving on and allowing yourself to be vulnerable again takes courage but soon enough, the right person will come along and you’ll open your heart again. You’ll get there. x

Photo Credit: Danièle Francesca Martinie