Why It Pays to Go Steady. Momentum in Relationships
Iona is a Wellness Coach specialising in relationships and dating.…
I hate flying. I’ve had my fair share of nauseating airplane food, motion sickness and inflight entertainment. But what I love about flying is the take off. The moment the plane starts to speed up and then gently glides off the ground – the momentum before take off, that’s my favourite. Because where there isn’t momentum, the plane goes nowhere as it does in relationships.
When you get to dating in your 30s, priorities shift. Work is more demanding, it’s likely you’ve taken up some personal hobbies and have invested quite some time attending hens nights, weddings and babysitting your friends’ kids. All this means you’re time poor and less available to date. It goes like this: Nick meets Cara. The mutual attraction is there with a hint of chemistry. They hit it off and intend to see each other again…only Cara is overseas for 4 weeks – work trip. They reconnect and go on their second date a few weeks later and then it’s Nick this time who has to go away for 3 weeks. And like rush hour traffic, this stop and start cycle continues. No one likes rush hour traffic. Because it gets you nowhere fast and it’s boring (you can only listen to so much e-books about elephants right?).
The fun part in the early stages of dating is that you get to know all the little and big things about a person, to build a foundation. The first few dates can be great but if you put it on hold for too long till the next, you start to forget how great the last date was. Then, every date feels like the first.
So what’s a good pace to set? Slow and steady wins the race. I’d say to make time for a date at least once – twice every week. That way, if you guys aren’t a match made in heaven, you’ll know sooner or later. Of course these matters are subjective and so we’ve asked our guy panel.
Do you think relationships fizzle because of lack of momentum?
Nick: So, are these questions based on my life? They’re quite close to home! I could agree and give you a bunch of scenarios (like my most recent situation) where this is the case. However, I feel if something is amazing, a lack of momentum is never an issue.
Peter: Absolutely! The early stages are so critical and it doesn’t seem to take much to lose traction. Because you’re not at the stage of being an integrated part of each other’s lives, you can easily slip back in to that mode of not being with each other again.
Jack: If you like someone enough you’ll make time to see them. If you don’t have momentum it’s probably because your desire to spend time
with them isn’t too strong. If you genuinely can’t spend time with the person then the time apart shouldn’t be a deal breaker.
When you’re first dating, how often should you see each other?
Nick: It depends on the construct of the relationship, what is happening in each other’s lives and the parties involved. If I am aiming for a casual relationship, once per week is a good amount. When I have had significant partners, it has gone from meeting each other to living in each other’s pockets almost immediately. No rules! Just do what feels right!
Peter: As much as it’s possible, as often as you both feel like you want to see each other. The point of dating is to get to know this person and see how you fit in each other’s lives. Scheduling based on some arbitrary formula seems to be counter-intuitive to that.
Jack: When I first start dating I think a few times a week is plenty. You need to have your own life and let her live hers. It is never nice
when you get the impression that a girl has stopped living her life and wants to do everything with you all of the time. A couple of dates
mid week and then spend some solid time together on the weekend.
When one goes away for a work/personal trip, what’s the etiquette on keeping in touch?
Nick: When it comes to someone I care for, there is a significant amount of communication through messaging, phone calls and carrier pigeon. I see no reason to change the paradigm because a partner is geographically more distant. Saying that, every partner and relationship is different. This is especially true because as long as someone has an Internet connection, geography is irrelevant.
Peter: That depends how far along in the dating process you are. The glory of social media and mobile phones is that you have a multitude of options open to you regardless of where in the world you are. Generally, if I’m away I’ll keep on talking to the person as frequently as I normally would – whether that be phone calls or texts or Facebook. There’s limits of course: if they’re away for work or overseas I’m not going to expect immediate or detailed responses. I think if I didn’t get a response at all, though, I’d take it as a hint.
Jack: A phone call a couple of times a week. Doesn’t have to be a marathon, just enough to show that you care and are interested in her
life. You should be looking forward to hearing from her too, if not then maybe it’s not meant to be. It should be a phone call as well.
Texting is ok occasionally but there’s nothing is better than hearing the voice of someone you like.
What if it’s been weeks since the last time you saw each other? Does that mean he/she is just not that into you?
Nick: I would generally say that at the beginning if you’re not seeing each other regularly (or at least creating opportunities to see each other) it is probably going to fizzle pretty quick. I would certainly agree that if a guy is not aiming to see a woman again and again, he is probably not into her.
Peter: Possibly. If you’re both in town and you’ve gone from regularly seeing each other to rarely communicating, it may be time to re-evaluate how the other person feels. Try putting the ball in their court by asking them when they’re available and if they’d like to catch up. If they’re non-commital, it’s time to move on. Either they’re not interested but too polite to say so, or they’re playing hard to get… and you don’t need either.
Jack: Yes. I can’t think of a reason why someone would go weeks without showing interest or organising another date. In the beginning you
shoud like a person so much you want to spend most of your time with them. If I haven’t heard from a girl in a few days I wouldn’t make
contact again.
Thoughts: I think it all comes down to timing. You could meet someone you’re really compatible and click with but if their priorities are different at the time i.e. commitments to sport, family, Game of Thrones…it probably won’t take off.
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Photo Credit: Matthew Wiebe
What's Your Reaction?
Iona is a Wellness Coach specialising in relationships and dating. She works with single women to write their own love stories.
Hi There!
I met a guy 2 months ago online. We went out on 2 great dates (within the same week) but then stopped abruptly because he had to go back to school. He’s in his last year in med school.
I think he’s a great guy, but one of the things that initially bothered me about him (one of the only things, really) was that he only seemed to text me to make plans for a date. Before he left for school (school is 8 hours away) he said we should “keep in touch” and meet up when he comes back. I thought that was cool but told him that in order for us to keep in touch he would actually have to text me. He seemed to get a little defensive and deflected the whole texting thing back onto me saying it’s a two way street and I need to text him, too.
He’s been away for 2 months. I’ve been doing most of the reaching out. I figured since it’s only been 2 dates perhaps we don’t need to talk all that often but throughout this whole time he’s only texted me once on his own. Otherwise, I text him twice a week or so. I felt like texting him once a week was too much, especially if he didn’t reach out to me on his own. When we do text it’s rather brief, but it always has been. One thing he did make clear though is that when we do text, he won’t always get back to me immediately but he will respond when he can. That much I know is true and don’t judge him on it at all.
I try to cut him some slack being that he’s in med school and his priorities in school should come first. He’s got a lot on his plate, and with the fact that it’s only been 2 dates, I don’t always expect for us to talk much. Plus, there’s been a lot of distance and time between us so, even if we initially said we looked forward to seeing each other again when he comes back (we did explicitly say those things), the time, distance, and busyness in between may have made that notion fizzle out. I’m not sure but I’m assuming. I mean, it’s possible he’s not all that interested so responds to my texts out of being polite. Thats a strong possibility.
I don’t know. I just hope to see him again and I hope that he’s not judging me based on my texting habits or whatever. I think that would be so shallow of him because I’m so much more than a few words in a message and so is he. That would be disappointing, though.
I would really love some advice. Is texting once every 2 weeks too much??
Hello there,
Thanks for writing us. It’s a situation we’ve all been in before. 2 dates doesn’t give you much time to build rapport…unless you or he’s the type to fall in love quickly. I think in dates 1 & 2, you’re still trying to figure out if there’s chemistry. And in this case, it sounds like there was. I don’t think texting once every 2 weeks is too much, it shows you care. Though, it sounds like he’s got a pretty hectic schedule and that a relationship may not be his first priority. I’d keep my options open and see what happens the next time he’s in town. Keep expectations low for now, you might be surprised. Keep us posted!