The 5 Times You Need to Cut Your Friend Some Slack
My age and the size of my circle of friends seem to go hand in hand. The older I get, the less friends I seem to have. I attribute this to my ability to filter out toxic friendships so I have time for people who really matter to me. But even good friends can drop off the radar and do things that make you wonder why you’re still friends. I’ve been guilty of it, we all make mistakes. Sometimes a turn of events can turn your friend into someone you may not recognise (albeit for a short while), it’s in those times that you need to cut them a little slack.
Medical Issues
I have a few friends who suffer from depression and understand that they’re fighting with something bigger than themselves. Between medication, balancing emotions and trying to feel better in general, they may neglect the friendship and bail on you when you’ve had something planned for weeks. For 6 months straight, my friend Caitlin would make plans with me and then cancel the night before. She was tired, going through a divorce and was clinically depressed. There was a time where she’d wake up crying and this happened for weeks. I’ve never had depression but to hear that…really struck a cord, especially when I knew Caitlin wasn’t the type to cry like that.
Despite knowing about her condition, I have to admit I’d get annoyed by her flakiness and even more annoyed that I could have spent that time catching up with someone else (I may sound insensitive but that’s how I felt). Eventually I realised it wasn’t personal – she needed her own time to figure it out and I wasn’t priority in her life, she was – fair enough. I told her to get in touch when she was ready and then made back up plans every time she tried to schedule in a catchup. I wouldn’t do this for just any friend but if it was out of her/his character and she deserved more slack than I had given her.
Give your friend a bit of space, let them know you understand and just be present when they’re ready. It’s not that they intend to be a ‘bad’ friend, they just have a lot to deal with.
After a Tragedy
Grief is an odd emotion to deal with. It’s unpredictable and takes shape in so many different ways. When I lost a friend to tragedy, I was the shitty friend who didn’t make it to birthdays or avoided seeing people . When I did go out, I was selective with who I spoke to. To everyone else, I probably came of as a snob but in reality, I was just going through a rough time and didn’t have the will to initiate all the pleasantries you’d exchange with acquaintances and not-so-close-friends.
It was just a crappy time in my life and I didn’t know how to deal with the overwhelming emotions that hit me. I came out of it eventually but know first hand that grief can turn you into someone different, you need to give people the time to deal with it and come out stronger. The best thing you can do is to be understanding and listen.
A New Love
So your friend has (finally) found a boyfriend/girlfriend?! It’s exciting but now you find they never have time for you and on top of that, your usual FriYay lunch has been replaced by lunch dates you’re not invited to. This is always a tricky one, especially if you’re single. But you know what it’s like to be in love…dating is hard enough. So when your friend finds someone they actually like, you should celebrate! Give them a ‘nesting’ period of 3-6 months and find some single friends to hang out with in the meanwhile. If they’re no longer keen on a night out every Friday, it’s totally understandable.
Instead of mourning the loss of another single friend, schedule a time to meet her/his new love interest. Who knows, they might even have a friend to introduce you to.
Babies
Noone can ever prepare you for motherhood, which is why you need to be a good friend even if your friend is constantly tired, cranky and stressed (it’s probably the lack of sleep acting out). If it’s her first time round, she’s probably in for more than she can handle. So if she can’t find the time to lug her baby (and all the things that come with a baby) to brunch with you, know that she probably can’t even find time to shower let alone brunch.
The best gift you can probably get a new mum is free babysitting. It’s likely that she hasn’t had her hair or nails done in days/weeks/months. Offer to go around her place and watch bub whilst she gets pampered.
When She’s a Bride to Be
It’s the biggest event of a woman’s life and yet I somehow managed to forget this when I was dress shopping with a friend – a very fickle one who rationalised every single part of every wedding dress she saw. It drove me nuts and I got annoyed, which I shouldn’t have shown even if I was. Not only is it the biggest event of a woman’s life, it’ll also be the most stressful. Catering to family members and friends is tricky when everyone wants a say in the wedding. Be patient. Listen to her frustrations and then try to find a solution – she’ll do the same for you I promise.
So if you have to sit through days of wedding dress shopping and trying to differentiate between 10 different types of lace, you should just do it. Because it’s a once in a lifetime kind of deal. Suck it up my friend. This goes for having to shell out big bucks on hens nights and gifts.
Endnotes:
Not all friendships are equal and so how much you tolerate and brush off depends on your friendship. I know who my good friends are and who’d be there for me when I get life’s next curveball. So when I know they’re a bit out of character, I accept it that it’s not a reflection of them as a friend but a result of circumstance.
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