Reader Q&A: Why 30 Something Men Can’t Commit

You can find commitment phobes at any age but one reader asked me to write about the reasons why 30 something men can’t commit. Every guy is different but if I had to sum it up in 5 reasons, these would be it.

They’re Scarred from Previous Relationships

We all have a story about a previous breakup but by the time you hit 30, you’re likely to have more than one. Breakups aren’t easy but some can be especially hard. It’s easy to feel jaded when previous relationships have left you hurt and angry.

The Peter Pan Syndrome

For most, 30 marks the start of adulthood but you’ll always meet guys who continue to live like they’re in their 20s. Weekend binges and hangovers may be harder to cope with…not the fact that everyone in their age bracket is having babies, getting married, engaged or thinking about it. These guys think time is on their side. Adam is 36 this year. He is single and doesn’t feel the need to settle down. His priorities are staying fit and making money. Although he wants to have a family of his own, he feels young and heart and doesn’t need to rush: “At 30, men are in their prime. We don’t need to worry about not having eggs. We can easily go out and date a 20 something who is in their prime child bearing years. It’s different for women. If I was a women, I’d be out trying to lock in a husband asap”.

They Have Different Priorities

Career wise, 30s are a prime time to secure the ideal position within a company. When you’re working 50-60 hour weeks, making time for a relationship can be tricky and some guys would just prefer to keep it casual: “It’d be nice to meet someone but my job is demanding and I need to make partner by the time I hit 35” – Dave, 31, Lawyer

They’re Just Not That Into You

So he’s not a commitment-phobe. He may just not be that into you: “I’m 33. The next girl I date (for keeps) will  be the same one I marry. If the connection is there and I’m not totally in love with her, I’ll try to keep it as casual as possible…or not even go there.”. When you’re in your 30s, you know what you want and what you don’t want pretty early on: “if we’re not calling you or making time to see you, we’re just not that into you. Sorry” – Max, 33, IT Manager

He’s into you…for now.

If you’ve been dating a guy for years and he still hasn’t proposed, you’ll relate to Ben’s story: “Alissa and I dated for 4 years. When I turned 32 and all of our friends were getting engaged, I knew it was probably time for me to pop the question too – except I just didn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with her. She’s a great girl…for someone else. There was nothing particularly wrong with our relationship. I just thought someone else might have been better for me and I told her that eventually” – Alex, 36, Marketing Director

They Have No Idea What They Want

Maybe they just got out of a serious relationship, maybe they’re going through a career change, whatever it is, these guys don’t know what they want. It’s hard to start or maintain a relationship if other parts of your life are up in the air: “when you have no sense of direction in one area of your life, it spills onto other parts of your life. Sometimes it’s a matter of timing. I’ve met some great girls but just wasn’t at a stage in life where I wanted to focus on relationships. I also think guys have a little bit more time. “We don’t need to have babies…” -Alex, 36. 

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