Single Shame: I Used to Be Ashamed of Being Single

28. That was the age I started to feel embarrassed when I had to tell people I was single. Despite having moved overseas and landing on my feet with a great job, all my friends and family wanted to know was whether I had found a husband. While all my friends were settling down, getting engaged and having babies, I was spending week nights AND weekends partying with backpackers in Bondi. Single shame is real.

Every time I logged onto Facebook, I’d be welcomed with a stream of Facebook statuses announcing an engagement or a baby on the way. I was happy for my friends but I also felt a pang of anxiety – I felt I was falling behind in society’s timeline for me. Though I’m happily engaged now, I can recall those feelings of being single in your late 20s and early 30s vividly, it’s a roller coaster of emotions:

Excitement

All your friends are settled, ‘locked down’ and here you are with a world full of possibilities and Mr.Right (potentially) around the corner. Being single can be an exciting experience. You never know who you’ll meet the next day and you get to do whatever you want. Anything is possible, making this one of the most exciting times in your life.

Fear

If I could sum up 2013 in one word – it would be fear. At the age of 31, I had just broken up with my then boyfriend (or rather, he broke up with me) and feared everything that would happen as a result of it. I was afraid I’d never find anyone else, that I wouldn’t know how to date again, that all the good men were taken. If a breakup is like an earthquake, dealing with the fear post break up are like the waves of after shock.

Because I was living in a constant state of fear, I could never fully enjoy the present. All the dates I went on, I worried if I was making the ‘right’ impression, about going on dates that would never lead to a commitment, I feared I would never meet the right guy.

When you don’t confront your fears, they will keep appearing.

It’s that simple. If you want to break a dating pattern – identify your fears and confront them.

Shame

If someone’s single in their mid 30s (and has never been married), people automatically assume something is ‘wrong’ with them. It doesn’t matter how successful they are in every area of your life, everyone wants to know if you’ve finally found a man. And if you haven’t, you’re greeted with looks of pity and phrases like ‘don’t worry, he’s out there’, or ‘you’ll find him when you’re least expecting it’. A few times, I’ve actually thought about lying about my relationship status so I could dodge all attempts of match making. If you come from a culture where everyone gets married early, it can be embarrassing showing up on your own at family or social gatherings. When everyone is loved up and starting new families, you start to question whether there is something wrong with you. I’m a pretty confident person but I’d be lying if I said I never felt embarrassed about being single in my 30s.

This was a hard post for me to write due to the personal nature of it but I did it because if you can relate – I want you to know it’s totally normal to have all the feelings above.

Want to build a mindset that helps you bounce back from the ups and downs of dating AND attract the gentlemen? Check out my courses at 30everafter school of love. 

Oh and here are other articles about being 30 and single:

The 4 Times 30 Something Year Old Men Won’t Commit

10 Things Guys Wished Women Knew

30 and Single