How this one principle in dance can improve the early stages of a relationship

Those who know me will know, I love to dance. The type of dancing I do requires a partner and last week I realised, the core principle in dancing is also so important in dating. This core principle can help explain why men get distant or withdraw in the early stages of the relationship.

Dancing Principle: There is a follow and a lead

In dance, there is a follow and a lead. The lead is someone who determines what moves they will lead their partner into, they guide the follow on the dance floor and suggest moves he/she can do. The follow reads cues and signals from the lead and flows with the moves he suggests. Both roles require effort and they are challenging in their own ways. Though they are interchangeable men are typically taught to be the lead and women are often the follows.

When two people lead, there is friction…

Just like in dance, there is someone who leads and someone who follows in dating. The roles can be reversed but two people can’t lead or follow at the same time – there would be a collision  on the dance floor. 

Makes sense right?

There is this stage in the early stages of a relationship where two people are trying to lead at the same time.

It’s when women realise how much they like the guy and are so freaked out by their feelings that they try to take control of the relationship.

They do this by pushing the ‘what are we talk?’ too early, by being the one who chases the guy, calls/texts just a bit too much. She becomes overly keen and the men become so overwhelm by it, they withdraw: “It’s not like I get bored with the women I date. Once it gets too much like a relationship I’m not ready for, I tend to go quiet. And because I hate confrontation and hate disappointing women, I just tend to stop texting them back and asking them on dates”, Ray, 28.

Reasons men pull away:

“It was really fun in the beginning. She was a cool chick. But then a few dates in, she was needy, insecure, she wanted to see me all the time. It was like she flipped the switch”Aldo, 34.

“Because once she was texting me all the time and planning dates for us, I saw my future, one I didn’t want. I had said I wasn’t sure if I wanted a relationship, but she kept pushing for one” Sam, 35

“I think women confuse men’s affections for their willingness to commit. A man will like a woman and show her he does but this does not mean he is ready for a commitment. Far from it… It takes him a lot more to realise that. Women seem to fall into relationships right away” Mark, 38

“We were at different stages in our lives. She really wanted a relationship and it was clear. 5 dates in and she was starting to map out my future. I liked her a lot but our priorities were different” Chris, 37.

You can read the comments above in two ways: 1. the men weren’t ready for a relationship 2. the women unknowingly pushed the men into a relationship they weren’t ready for. If you ask me, both are reasons the relationship never eventuated. The women became the lead in the relationship and the men didn’t know what the heck to do as a follow because they are used to being the lead.

Just like dancing, when you’ve been taught to lead or follow your whole life, it takes time to adjust to a role reversal. It can be done but it shouldn’t be something that’s pushed onto another person. Often women try to take the lead without even knowing it. This pushes the guy into the role of a follow – which can be a scary and overwhelming thing if they’ve never been a follow before. The unfamiliarity is enough to make anyone cut and run.

When you break it down, it’s simple. You can’t have a dance if you have two people trying to lead or follow at the same time.

See you on the dance floor.