Everything You Need To Know About The Friend Zone

Iona is a Wellness Coach specialising in relationships and dating.…

There are a gazillion articles on the friend zone out there – all so confusing. General consensus says that in a male-female friendship you’re either friends or you’re not but we all know that relationships are not black and white. So I’ve explored a little further. In this ultimate guide, I did my research and interviewed dozens of men, consulted experts and took the things I’ve learned in my coaching practice to bring you this ultimate guide to friend zone.

The Friend Zone Is Dynamic

When two people are single and they meet someone of the opposite sex for the first time, we put them into two categories: friend or more than a friend. It sounds very clear cut right? There’s either potential for something more or there isn’t. But what most don’t mention is that the friend zone is ever changing. Whether a person is in friend zone depends on circumstance i.e. maybe they’re already kind of seeing someone else at the time (in relationship limbo), or they’ve just gotten out of a relationship. Even though they may find the other person attractive, they could still put them in the friend zone: “You can find people attractive and still put them in the friend zone. Maybe you know they’re after a serious relationship and you know that’s something you can’t deliver. So to avoid disappointing them, you keep them as a friend instead”, Dan, 31.

Another one of my guy friends said: like circumstances, people change and so can your friend zone status.

Exception: People only stay in friend zone (indefinitely) if neither parties are attracted to each other.

Because Sometimes Things Just Happen

All relationships (romantic or not) have a level of chemistry. Think about the people you meet and instantly like because you two just ‘click’. So even if you’ve met and developed a relationship as friends, there is always potential that it may go further: “You just never know. I’ve dated my friends before. You date certain people because you like them. Your friends are people you like so you already have a foundation to build on”, Ralph, 27. When you’re single there is plenty of free time to hang out 1:1 with your other single guy/girl friends. In all that time you spend together you’re probably doing things that look like dating only you guys are ‘just friends’. That level of investment and time in a friendship could easily blossom into something more if there is attraction from either party. Either you choose to risk the friendship or you don’t but more often than not, friends give it a go anyway.

Sometimes People Get Friend Zoned By Accident

If you’re not clear about your intentions from the get-go, there’s a risk you may accidentally get friend zoned:

“Some guys aren’t clued in on the subtle signs women give. I’d much rather have someone tell me straight up if they’re going to give me a go or not. To avoid being strung along, a lot of the times I’ll just assume that the relationship is just going to stay in friend zone. The only time I’ve intentionally put someone in friend zone is when I’ve found a girl unattractive (inside and out). If a girl is a lovely person but not physically my type, then I’ll see her as a friend. If it’s the other way around, then I find it’s more trouble than its worth”.

There is a Fine Line Between the Friend Zone and Friends with Benefits

The friend zone may be dynamic but breaking out of the friend zone doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll find love in the friendship. When you’re constantly hanging out and not committed to anyone else you may think a kiss, cuddle (or something more) is harmless. But this could easily slip into a ‘friends with benefits’ scenario – an unspoken agreement that you two can fool around whilst you’re looking for the real deal: “I find that when people do break out of the friend zone, it’s usually an upgrade to friends with benefits. If two people really wanted to get together because they thought there was potential for something more – they would’ve already”, Richard, 27. “Getting together after the fact is like saying: well there’s nothing else going on in my life right now so you’ll do”.

What Does This All Mean?

Unless there is zero attraction in a friendship, one can always move themselves out of the friend zone.

However, this depends on 2 factors:

Timing: whether both parties are single
Whether both parties are looking for the same thing i.e. just casual fling or a serious relationship

Disclaimer: As mentioned above, moving out of the friend zone does NOT equal a long term relationship. It only marks the beginning of dating even though you may have known the person for ages. It’s a completely different dynamic and needs to be treated like so.

My Girlfriend/Boyfriend Has A lot of Platonic Relationships. Should I Be Concerned?

I genuinely believe that men and women can just be friends and nothing more (especially true if there is no attraction from one or both parties). If your relationship fulfils all of your needs, there is definitely no need for concern. However there are some friendships that can cause less of a concern for your partner:

Traits of a Non-Threatening Platonic Relationship (and by this I mean friendships your partner would not likely to have concerns about):

The platonic friend is in a serious relationship
The platonic friend is friends with your partner
The platonic friend isn’t your type
It’s a friendship that sustains itself without spending a lot of time together alone
There is zero attraction from one or both parties and everyone knows it

Note: A non-threatening platonic relationship doesn’t necessarily need to tick all boxes above.

How do you know you’ve been friend zoned:

The following are signs that you may have been friend zoned…
When you ask your friend out, he/she always suggests inviting other people
When you suggest to hang out in a date-like setting, he/she comes up with something that doesn’t involve an Italian dinner or picnic at the park
If you two arrive at a party, they make an effort to tell people that you’re a ‘friend’
They are always talking about people they are seeing
They take awhile to respond to your texts
They tell you what a great friend you are
They will talk about the different ways they’ll meet new women/men

When it comes to platonic friendships, there can be 50 shades of grey. If you’re making a new friend of the opposite sex and you both are single, it’s best to lay out your intentions right away to cause confusion.