What to do when your man is afraid of commitment
I had such a great question come through the other day!
Here’s the scenario:
A woman meets a great guy. They have what she describes as ‘insane’ connection. Yet every time she inches closer, he resists her. When she asks him why, he said it was FEAR (probably from an ex she says). He tells her she’s amazing and gives her compliments but he can’t give her the commitment she’s ultimately looking for.
In this situation, there’s a fine line between giving the guy space and knowing when to fight for him.
If you’ve read any of my other blog posts and emails on fear, you’d know that when it comes to getting what we want, we’re often in our own way. Just as women have fears about commitment i.e. all men cheat, nothing ever works out, all the good men are gone…etc, men have their own set of fears. But they tend to be different i.e. fear of the loss of freedom, fear of losing himself, fear of the unknown. Here are a few things you can do to help you and your man get through it.
Identify what the fear is
Here’s the thing -not all fears are treated equally, here is a solution for each. It’s why you need to identify what the fear is in the first place. Giving a guy space so he can figure out what he wants may not be the solution to this situation. If a guy fears he’s not good enough for a woman, giving him space will only validate his fear. If a guy fears a loss of freedom, the last thing you want to do is fight for him by giving him lots of attention. If he’s telling you that his hesitations for moving forward are ridden with fear, it makes for the perfect time to ask him where that fear comes from. Here’s what you want to find out:
- what the fear is
- where the fear comes from
- what he’s done to deal with them
Once you’ve identified the fears your man has, you can start to work through them i.e. if your man fears the loss of freedom (which many do), you’ll want to give him lots of space to spend time with his friends/on his own. He needs to understand that a relationship can exist without taking away the things he loves.
Understand his commitment to work through the fear
There’s no sense in fighting for a relationship if you’re going to be the only one in it. In every relationship, you should put in 200% – 100% comes from each party. Your man may not be ready for a relationship but it helps if you know he’s 100% in to working through his fears to get there. Fears about commitment aren’t formed in a day, they take years to develop and maybe months and years to get rid of. I think it’s important to show empathy and patience but you also don’t want to be in a situation where you’re waiting at a standstill waiting for a guy to make up his mind about you and your relationship. You want to show a guy you care for him and understand his fears but that you’re also at a point where you’ve grown to really like him and want to take the relationship up a level. Avoid ultimatums in this situation. Stay open and listen. But also be ready to walk away if a guy tells you he unsure about working through his commitment fears. As I said – a relationship is 200%.
Do a self check in the relationship
Sometimes the saying “it’s not you, it’s me” just doesn’t apply. In every relationship, fears can come as a result of another’s action. Perhaps you may have said or done something to trigger a painful experience. For example, I had a friend named Penelope who loved her independence. To the world, she was a catch and so when she met Mike, Mike immediately pursued her knowing that she’d probably be out of his league. To his surprise, she reciprocated his feelings and the pair started dating. Penelope continued to go out, make new friends, make more money. What she didn’t notice was that the more successful she got, the more Mike withdrew. It wasn’t out of jealousy that he did it, he simply didn’t feel like he was good enough for Penelope. But she didn’t see it like that. The two never spoke about it because she didn’t understand where Mike’s behaviour was coming from. And so they broke up. In this case, it was a classic misunderstanding of another’s behaviour which is why it’s important to evaluate what you may be doing in the relationship to affect your partner’s behaviour.
Understanding men and the way they view commitment isn’t easy. The most common commitment fears men have are all unique and there is a different way to work through each of them. If you’re interested in learning more, I’ve just created a mini course on this topic.
Want more articles like this? You might want to read:
What's Your Reaction?
