I have a friend who desperately wants to get into the photography business but has too much pride to admit he needs the help. To him, asking for help shows his weakness. Instead of asking for what he really wants, he suppresses his dreams and has a monotonous job to fill his days. To an outsider, the solution is simple. Just ask for help. But to my friend, the answers aren’t the simple because they are laced with a layer of emotions. Same goes in relationships where women and men feel ashamed to admit they need someone to share their lives with. So afraid of admitting that they’re looking for a long term relationship, they choose to play it cool, tell their dates they’re just looking for friends and fun when what they really want is intimacy and closeness.
It Helps You Stay True To Your Authentic Self
Here’s the thing. It’s OK to be needy so long as you are true to your own needs. Needing someone doesn’t have to mean you’re weak. Popular relationship books will tell you that you need to be your own person and lean back and there is truth to it but in doing so, are you depriving yourself of what your heart truly craves?
I have a very good girlfriend who was never shy to admit she was looking for a long term relationship. She was confident, independent and loved the chase. As you can imagine, her love of the chase put her in masculine mode and often scared men away. BUT instead of rewiring her own needs, she learned to pick the right men, the ones who would complement what she needed in a relationship. We just celebrated her 3 year wedding anniversary.
Truth: there’s always going to be someone who matches your needs. You just need to know what to look for.
Where my friend’s relationship criteria would have had many telling her to tone it down or be more ‘independent’, she embraced what she truly needed and went for it.
Disclaimer: Her success in finding her ‘one’ was based on several factors. Her mindset, self-awareness, knowing how to pick the right men and her communication skills. (All which can be learned).
Neediness Creates Intimacy
The trouble with our neediness is that we often expose it to the wrong people, the people who reject it because of their avoidant attachment styles (more on this in another post). When we share our needs with people who are capable of intimacy, it actually creates closeness. The trick is to find a person who is able to fulfil those needs. Example: I had a client named Emily who was anxious and insecure in relationships. In every area of her life, she was calm, independent and confident. Yet whenever she met a guy, she would tense up with anxiety if he didn’t call her every few hours. Emily needed reassurance and security and the men she was selecting were not fulfilling her needs. To make matters worse, because of the shame society puts on us for being needy, Emily would beat herself up every time she’d obsess over every text and check her phone. It was so unlike her that she’d hate herself for her neediness. All it took was for her to own her needs and find the men who were able to fulfil them. When Emily was able to recognise what kind of man she needed, she broke her dating patterns and met Paul. Paul was unlike all the other men she dated. He messaged her consistently and was very clear about his intentions towards Emily. As a result, Emily no longer felt the need to check her phone every 30 minutes (she knew Paul would get in touch) or panic after every date wondering if it was their last.
It sounds straight forward but often it isn’t because we fall into the pattern of attracting and dating the people who aren’t right for us (then ask why when it doesn’t work out). Knowing what to look for in a partner can help you break down the dating patterns keeping you single.
I’ve been working on a new programme that arms women with the knowledge and tools they need to:
- Break dating patterns keeping them single (stop attracting men who give you mixed signals)
- Know what they need in a partner and exactly how to attract them into your life (so you never have to feel ‘needy and insecure’ again
- Mindset exercises that keep anxiety levels low regardless of what’s happening in your relationship i.e. when you and your man go one day without texting
- Understand how men think
- Create intimacy with communication (such a key piece in every stage of dating)
- Deal with conflict in a way that’s productive and brings you closer together
- How to talk to men about commitment and plan a life together in a way that doesn’t push him away
Sounds good? Get on the early bird list to get 50% off when it launches. Email my team and I at iona [@] 30everafter.com.
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Iona is a Wellness Coach specialising in relationships and dating. She works with single women to write their own love stories.