Mark’s guide: Everything you’ll ever need to know about Speed Dating

Before I talk about speed dating, there are a few things I need to make clear: speed dating is not an exotic activity left to the fringes in society. I’m shocked at how many people still treat speed dating as a novelty. These are probably the same people who can’t accept interracial marriage. Which century are they living in? Wake up.

So, if you choose to accept my proposal that speed dating is for regular people, like you and I – then the people who attend these events are regular people. As much as Hollywood would like us to think of speed dating participants as psychopaths, weirdos or neurotics, I’m sorry to disappoint you that people who go to speed dating are people like your co-workers, cousin, or…you.

This brings us to the first topic: what do people talk about during the 4 minutes they have with each other? Unfortunately, normal people bring…normal conversations. To put it more accurately, speed dating feels like a series of 4 minute interviews with the same questions being repeated over and over: what do you do? Where are you from? Where did you go for school? What are your hobbies?

During the first three people, it might be fun and entertaining but by the 12^th person, you’re hoping not to strangle them. So what’s one to do in such a situation? Ask different questions. Psychology questions are always fun “What animal do you think represents you the best?” Conspiracy theory is also fun “I think Crayola is slowly taking over the world by monopolizing colors” (but make sure it’s a silly conspiracy theory or people will think you live in your mother’s basement cleaning sharpening knives all day) or if you’re more serious, just jump to a topic in today’s newspaper and ask them for their opinion on it. “What do you think of Russia being homophobic about the Olympics?”. The point is to direct the conversation to what you want to know and talk about. If the girl has no opinion on Russia and homophobia maybe she’s not into current events, which is the type of person you’re not into. If she’s vehemently against homosexuals, perhaps you have a difference in values that you just can’t accept. Whatever it is, at least you have a clearer idea of what type of person she is in 4 minutes rather than just: what she does and where’s she from.

While it’s good to ask questions, you must also observe the golden rule: people love talking about themselves. Always say “What about you?” Remember that conversations are like tennis matches – the ball goes back and forth. It’s not a game against a blackhole. As well, another bonus is: after 10 conversations, you’re probably drained from talking. Having the other person talk is a good way to rest and collect your breathe and STILL look considerate and a good listener.

It’s sad to say – but looks definitely matter in speed dating. If you see a good looking person, you’re more amped and psyched to talk to them. Your body just involuntarily acts in a more attractive way. If she likes you too, you’ll both make an effort to have a good conversation. The game is for you to lose. If one person finds the other unattractive however, the onus is for the less attractive to win the other person over. The game is for him to win her over. The dynamics were never equal from the start – the better looking person had it.

The proximity and the nature of speed dating also presents some challenges – you’re sitting right beside the table of the person you just spoke to, speaking to a new person. You cannot ask the same questions because the other person can hear you. At the same time you can’t contradict what you previously said because, again, she can hear you. You always need to keep it fresh and consistent (which is something you don’t need to care about if you go on a date). The other thing that’s weird is that you can see who your competition is. They’re literally sitting right beside you. If you’re not an interesting guy, it sucks to be beside the best looking, interesting guy in the place. It’s like doing school presentations after the person who did his on powerpoint while all you have is a crappy Bristol board.

Finally, comes the wrap up – some speed dating is a free-for-all : they let participants ask for each other’s contact right there and then while other speed dating uses a complicated numbers system where two people have to match “yes” to each other before their email is revealed. I prefer the first method because it’s less hassle for the organisers (sometimes they screw up the numbering system) and its pretty straightforward. Secondly, the other system is bad in terms of how guys treat it. A lot of guys just put “yes” to everyone not because they’re interested but because they want to see how they do compared to their buddies. They’re pretty much comparing stats (e.g. I got 13/15 girls vs your 10/15) That’s kind of an asshole thing to do so don’t let them do it.

From my experience, it’s hard to make a true romantic connection from speed dating. Most of the relationships are just emails and eventually fade out. The great thing though is I’ve made a lot of good friends from it. I think it comes from the nature of the event: as I said before, if you’re not adventurous or open minded – you would never do speed dating. Only people who are open minded or willing to try new things will do it therefore the event itself has already filtered the type of people you meet. Most people there pretty much have similar traits.

Living in today’s fast paced, short attention span, let’s-look-at-our-smartphone-instead-of-people world; speed dating might be the sanest way to meet someone new. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned like that.

Mark