Taking the “N” Out of Lines

By Mark

For those of you who don’t know, I think I’ve been to enough clubs and met enough girls to tell you what the secret is to picking up girls: Probabilities.

Just how Babe Ruth hit a lot of homeruns, he also struck out a lot. Michael Jordan hit as much game winners as he missed game winning shots. Yes sir, when it comes to pick ups, its the same thing: Just keep shooting and just keep swinging. You really can’t care what the outcome is – and that what frees you in this mental game.

With that being said, I’ve heard my share of lines from girls. I’ll make something clear to all the guys who don’t get it: If the girl doesn’t want to give you her number, everything that comes out of her mouth is a line. The reason is that if a girl really likes you, she will give you her number no matter what her circumstances are. She can be living in a box amidst a civil war in Beirut, watching over her two younger siblings, one with muscular dystrophy and the other with autism and she will still give you her number (assuming that her box has a phone line). She’ll rationalize her reason to herself later.
On the other hand, if she’s not interested in you, she will say the dumbest thing to justify her singlehood:

“My fortune teller told me not to date anyone in this decade starting with the first name: Mark and the last name Sy.”

“I made a promise to my butcher to stay single just before he moved to Florida”

The only time a girl is really telling the truth is if she tells you that she is a vampire and you don’t date vampires. If she tells you that she is a vampire and you look at the mirror and don’t see her reflection, then she is telling the truth.

If you’re not sure if a girl is telling you something sincere, always ask a female friend. Girl friends always know when one of their own is giving you the run around since they use the same lines. Apparently, when you’re born a girl, you’re handed a book of universal lines to give guys throughout your life. From kindergarten (“I’m sorry, I don’t date guys that don’t know how to write the letter W”) to adulthood (“I’m sorry, it’s just not the right time. I need to get a dog first”) Girls are the best female bs detectors. Takes one to catch one right?

So, what does this all mean? Well, I have no problem with someone refusing to hand over a number – that’s our natural right along with freedom of speech and religion. What bothers me is the lying. I know people make stuff up so they don’t “hurt” the other person but some straight up truth would be appreciated. “I’m not giving you my number because you won’t give my ugly friends the time of day” is something I’d rather hear than “I’m in a bad time right now”. I guess I shouldn’t judge since I find myself doing the same thing.

I’m full of contradictions – one day, I don’t go out with type A girls, the next day, that’s all I want. Then again, its okay to change your mind. I read a book on manipulation and that’s what manipulation is: when other people tell you its not okay to change your mind. Maybe next time a girl gives me a line, I’ll tell her that she’s manipulative and glad that she won’t give me her number because I don’t want to be manipulated by a manipulating manipulator who manipulates people who don’t want to be manipulated.

Or maybe I’ll just hit on her hotter friend.

Photo Credit: Daniele Martine