The Truth About Commitment Phobes

You’ve been dating a guy for a few months now. He treats you well, the dates are nice and well…he’s a bit of a dreamboat. So naturally you’d want to know if he’s feeling the same way. Fast forward- you have the conversation and he tells you something along the lines of…. he’s not ready for a commitment, he’s been in a relationship all his life and wants to be single for awhile, he’s afraid of commitment. The lines are all same, same but different giving all women the false impression that men are generally commitment-phobes when reality they are not. Look at all the guys who eventually ‘settle down’ – if they really were afraid of commitment they wouldn’t be married with 2.5 children. What men AND women are afraid of is committing to the wrong person. Hear it from our guy panel.

When guys say they’re not looking for anything serious what does it mean?

James: Generally speaking…that would actually mean I don’t want anything close to a relationship. If I said that to a girl, it would mean I don’t see a future with her. This of course, excludes sex. If I see long-term potential in a girl, I’d never tell her I don’t want anything serious. I also say that if all I’m looking for is just casual sex.

Mark: He doesn’t see the girl as long term potential.

Nate: We may say we’re not looking for a commitment but in reality, whether you’re a guy or girl…who doesn’t want to find love? So if we say we’re not looking for anything serious it means we’re not looking for anything serious with you.

Then why do they say that and get into a relationship a week/month later with another woman?

James: I don’t think anyone would say they are not looking for anything serious. There’s a girl I’m seeing and if it came down to it, I’d tell her I wasn’t looking for anything serious. But if I met someone that swept me off my feet I’d completely forget I said that the previous week. Saying I’m not looking for anything serious doesn’t apply to all my relationships, just to the person I’m seeing.

Mark: Refer to the above.

Nate: Because we don’t want to lie to you but we also want to keep you around. So we sugarcoat the situation so you’ll stick around knowing that what it is will just be a few months of fun. It makes us sound like jerks doesn’t it?

What makes a guy want to commit?

James: If I meet someone I have a lot to offer to and who would have a lot to offer me, that would make me want to commit. (How vague…) Someone who adds enjoyment to my life so it’s really important for that person to add to that. Also, if I could see her being a good mum to my children. Don’t forget I’m 31 and that’s important to me.

Jack: It’s all about the girl. If he can see a future and likes her enough he’ll commit. You don’t let the perfect girl get away.

Mark: When a guy first meets a girl, the first thought that flashes through his mind is “is this girl the one?” If she blows his mind, then he’s more sold into the idea. If he senses a deal breaker, he’ll be less invested in the whole thing and will say things that are low cost high reward for him. For example: I’m not seriously dating means if you’re into a relationship I can’t give you that but if you just want to fuck around then I’m game. Either way, it’s not a big deal for him. The investment is minimal.

Nate: Finding the right person. I’m 33 and I don’t want to be in a relationship for the sake of it. I’d rather just date around until the right girl comes around.

What’s the difference about girls you ‘have fun with’ vs. girls you date?

James: The girl I want to date is someone I’d have fun with but still think about her when she left. It’s the person you can’t stop thinking about…that’s the kind of girl you date. The girl I date has to have that element of class.

Mark: Girls you have fun with are girls that you see no long term potential with. For example, they have deal breakers – like they’re a hair stylist and you know your family would never accept her but you want to sleep with her so you date her anyway. Girls you date are gills that fit in your life – your family, social circle, work would accept her. You wouldn’t be embarrass to take her places and you’re pretty much on the same track in life. That’s another thing – if you’re 32 and you’re dating a 21 yr old – you’re probably just having fun with her. To marry her would be unrealistic as she’s not at that life stage yet and you know it’s just gonna go to shit.

Nate: The girls I date are the ones you bring home to your mom. The wife material you can bring to work events and hold a conversation. Girls you have fun with can be anyone…the standards drop a little when you’re just looking for fun.

How do you know when you’re in love?

James: It’s a hard one to put in words but you just feel it. When I met my last girlfriend, everything I would do, I would consider her. I’m not sure if it’s a byproduct of being in love but if you are, you just want to involve her in every aspect of your life. How you know? It has to be just that feeling…it has to be that feeling.

Nate: You just do.

Jack: You can’t rationalise it. You either feel it or you don’t. When I think about the person incessantly and I can’t bear to be apart from them then I’m in love. And if you don’t want to be with other people. If you still did then how can you be in love?

Conclusion: The next time a guy tells you they are not ready for a relationship, it means they are not ready for a relationship with you.

Photo Credit: Piotr