Are You a Passive Dater?

A friend recently told me that I have a habit of dating guys with lots of deal breakers. He blames this on my so called tendency to be a passive dater – someone who says yes just because someone asked. Don’t mistaken this for a lack of standards…I don’t say yes to everyone. However, I am more likely to date someone who pursues me first. It’s made me wonder if I’ve missed out somehow. Should women be more proactive when it comes to dating? We asked our guy/girl panel. 

1. Do you think girls can be more proactive when it comes to dating or should we leave the courtship to the guys?

Mike: There are still expectations on guys to do most of the work, but right at the beginning, theres no particular reason why a girl couldn’t initiate something. At the end of the day, if either party wants something, they should just ask. Its a good start to open communication.

Peter: Girls can definitely be proactive with dating. Some guys are shy or wary of putting themselves ‘out there’, so if a girl is keen she can definitely take the lead and see where it goes.

Mark: It’s unladylike to be proactive. This is a complicated question that warrants looking into the perspective of both guys and girls. From a guy’s point of view, it would obviously be so much better if girls made the first move: we wouldn’t have to try as hard and we wouldn’t have to feel the pangs of rejection so often.

Speaking to Chinese girls, who are notorious for never making the first move, their rationale for never making the first move is this: they want a manly man who’s assertive, confidence and takes over control. If this guy can’t even take the initiative to  make the first move, then he’s not a manly man…in fact, he’s more like a weenie man.

Jack: If you leave it to some guys to ask you out you’ll be waiting til you’re an old spinster with a bunch of ugly cats. You dont have to ask a guy out but rather give him the signals that you want to be asked. It is as easy as telling him that you like a certain type of food or you want to see a movie. If he doesnt get the hint then he is not interested or an idiot.  

2.  What can a girl do to show her interest?

Mike: Be not so subtle. Some guys are pretty blind to any kind of flirtation that might come across from a girl, so be a bit more obvious about it.

Peter: Smoke signals can be pretty ineffective, just ask!  I’m not a huge fan of mind games or baiting a conversation to find out something that could just be asked and answered without ambiguity.  If he’s interested too, he’ll tell you.  If he’s not, at least you’ll know.

Mark: Smart girls don’t directly hit on guys – they ask indirect question like: would you mind taking a picture of me and this lamp? What drink is that, a pink lady? etc. By asking non flirty questions, you’re opening the guy up for a conversation without looking like Hester Prynne.

Jack: Laugh, flirt and have positive body language. Eye contact, make physical contact quickly and often, face straight at him, open wrists, hair touching, mirror his body language. These are all the signs that I look for when I talk with a girl I’m interested in. They are done subconciously but are the best indicator that a person is keen. I like when girls are overly obvious with their intentions too, if I’m interested I’ll go along with the ploy, if not I’ll play ignorant and deflect their interest. 

Girl Note: I think if a woman is interested in you, they let you know whether it’s subconcious or not. Look for signs in her body language. 

3. Is there a fine line between showing interest vs being too keen?

Mike: This all depends on the types of people you are. Some require the space and thus being “too keen” is a very fine line, where as others would love the idea of a girl who is very keen in them.

Peter: If all you’re doing is showing interest, then no. Pay attention to his feedback and judge it from there.  If he replies to your “We should hang out” with “Oh, ummm, I just remembered I’m joing the Peace Corps” you should avoid rocking up on his door step with canvas prints of your future children.  Otherwise, there’s no harm.

Mark: Yes, just like how guys need to tread the line between being Don Draper nonchalant vs Jon Hamm goofy. If you react to quickly to a guy’s questions or ask too many questions, you’ll come off as keen and guys can smell desperation a mile away. We’re like sharks – we can taste blood in the water except we swim the hell away the moment we sense it.

Jack: Is there such thing as being to keen? If you like a guy why not let him know and leave no doubt in his mind. I have many women throw themselves at me thinking that no man could ever reject a pretty face, but it can be annoying and reek of desperation which is a big turn-off. Once you are certain they are interested then you can show your keenness. I keep thinking of Ali from the bachelor trying to kiss Tim! She was overly interested but she wanted that kiss so badly, hilarious!

Girl Note: Showing interest= a flirty text. Too keen= casually dropping by his local watering hole because you were in the neighbourhood

4. When was the last time a girl asked you out and how did she do it?

Mike: Hasn’t happened yet. They are happy to instigate a conversation which is great, but the actual asking out tends to be from my end.

Peter: When was the last time a girl asked you out and how did she do it?

A few months ago, a girl I met on a night out called up and asked if I wanted to go for a coffee on the beach. We’d exchanged a lot of texts and calls before that and we got along pretty well so I guess she felt comfortable that I’d say yes.  It was probably best that she made a move, since I’m not very perceptive and wouldn’t have taken the cues myself.

Mark: I don’t think that’s ever happened to me before. Then again, I’m into Japanese porn which says a lot about my masculinity issues.

Jack: A girl asked me to dinner and drinks earlier this year. It was supposedly as friends but it was obvious that she wanted more. That was just a harmless conversation where she brought me to a place she knew of that she thought I might like. It was easy for her, and she not risk rejection as the date was only offered in friendship. I liked that she asked me out, she didn’t leave it to chance and got her date. 

5. So should girls ask guys out?

Mike: Definitely! It takes some pressure off, because subsequently, the guy would be arranging many of the other dates.

Peter: Yes! Life’s too short to be left wondering, and in a world of equality there shouldn’t be any reason why guys are the only ones allowed to initiate dating.  You don’t always need to be the one chasing him, but there’s definitely no harm in being the one to start the courtship.

Mark: No. If girls started to ask guys out, it would shake up the world order and clueless guys who just happen to be good looking will get even more out of life for being pretty furniture. Make guys work for it.

Jack: Yes. I don’t think this is the realm of men. There is no harm in going after what you want. You snooze you lose. Like my sister and her ‘future husband’… If you don’t act some other girl will and you’ll soon see your man on the arm of another.

Vann Piazza