Mark’s Gentlemanly Guide to Pool Parties

Just this past Saturday, I went with my buddy to a pool party that was held at the Hard Rock Casino in Macau. Seeing how this was my first pool party in Macau, I really looked forward to it and wanted to have a good time – so I made a conscious effort to make it count.

Let’s be honest – this isn’t exactly an evening soiree consisting of wine and cheese blanketed with discussion on who the last true Existentialist was; this was bikinis, alcohol and EDM. We’re a few implants away from a Brazzers production. After an eventful party. I learned some precious takeaways along the way which I would now like to share with you:

Takeaway #1: There’s always someone buffer than you

Weeks prior to this party, I made a conscious effort to go to the gym everyday after work to build the douchiest body parts possible: arms, chest and abs. I actually made some good progress (I’ve never been more ripped in my life). When I got to the pool party, I hung my head up high for about 5 seconds, until I realized that every guy there was pretty much more ripped than me. At this point in my life, I’ve concluded that I will never be more ripped than:

– Big ass Australian guys (note: one guy’s deltoids was bigger than my head)

– Younger guys (you get a six pack just for laughing when you’re young)

– Gay guys (you will never have a better body than a twinkie)

It’s like you’re patting yourself in the back for buying a porsche and at the first stop light, a row of ferraris pull up beside you. Just turn on the hazard lights and roll along.

Takeaway #2: Buy new swim trunks

I’ve never been a fan of water so I hardly go swimming. The only time I go swimming is when I use the pools at the hotels where I stay on vacation. So, for the longest time, I never thought about buying new swim trunks – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. It didn’t cross my mind until I got to the pool party that MY TRUNKS WERE TEN YEARS OLD AND I BOUGHT THEM FROM BOSSINI. (note: For my Canadian readers, Bossini is the equivalent of Zellers in Canada). I bought these shorts when I first went to Hong Kong with my girlfriend back in university. So, there I was standing in the middle of the party with the fobbiest shorts possible. They were literally classics 

Takeaway #3: Go with at least one friend 

There were two types of people at the pool party – party people and creepy-ass guys. Party people came with friends and would chat amongst themselves as well as new groups. Creepy guys wore jeans and just snapped pictures of girls in bikinis. Being by yourself would be really weird too.

Takeaway #4: Go with at least one friend…but not a bunch of guys

It would seem intuitive that the more, the merrier but I witnessed first hand the disadvantage of going with a bunch of guys. So at the party, there were a bunch of Chinese guys who all chipped in for a Cabana. Sounds like a good idea right? You split the cost for a bottle and invite some girls to come over…what they don’t realize is how intimidating that scene is. Girls already get intimidated to be surrounded by guys at a club, and now to be surrounded by a bunch of muscular guys without their shirts dancing around them…that”s extra creepy. It didn’t help that those guys were trying too hard and were dancing up on the girls a la Night at the Roxbury. Most girls pretty much had a drink and got the hell out of there.

Takeaway #5: Everyone pisses in the pool

If you actually want to enjoy the pool, go as early as you can. When there’s only a few people, no one’s really in the pool and most people aren’t drunk. Give it several hours however when everyone’s piss drunk and the pool’s bursting with people inside – you can bet your bottom dollar that everyone’s just letting go inside. I came to that shocking realization when I realized that despite having only one stall for each gender, the washroom line up was always non-existent.

Takeaway #6: If you’re gonna be in the pool, only dip your feet in.

See Takeaway #5

Takeaway #7: You really need to be drunk to have a good time

Early in the party, we tried to space out our drinking so we would last – do you know how boring a pool party is when you’re sober? “Okay guys, let’s dance to some EDM by the pool, facing no one…but be careful when you dance, the floor is wet. So, let’s just kinda move faster than normal pace but kinda just bob up and down”…VS when you’re totally trashed: “Holy shit, EDM is the greatest music on earth and this DJ doesn’t suck at all! Everyone in the pool!”

Takeaway #8: Don’t bring your phone

I thought that I would take precious pictures to show my grandson back when grandpa used to act inappropriately in Hong Kong but those memories died along with my phone when my supposedly water proof pouch was filled with water. My phone was so wet, that when I brought it to the Apple store the next day, water was still spilling out when they took out the SIM card. 

Takeaway #9: It’s okay to act like a total douchebag at a pool party

As I mentioned before, you need to act accordingly to your surroundings. In this case, it’s okay to fist pump, steal people’s flip flops and wear your shades at the back of your head because you know what? It’s a pool party!

I actually had a great time. 

Pool party next month anyone?