Why You Can’t Go From Casual to Relationship

Keeping getting stuck in casual relationships? Here’s why. 

My friend Jen is a serial monogamist who jumps from one serious relationship to another – the guys she dates always turn into boyfriends. My other friend Clare on the other hand has been single for 3 years. She is gorgeous, ready for a relationship and yet every guy she dates turn into 3 month flings that go nowhere.

For Clare, the pattern repeats. She meets a ‘nice guy’ and they go on a few dates. Then 5 dates go by, the daily texts go to weekly texts and soon after, he disappears. Why this happens, I have no idea. Clare is a stunner and so easy going. But she seems to be the only common denominator.

What’s the difference between Jen and Clare? Boundaries.

Dating coach Nick from School of Attraction says: “women need to set boundaries for what they will and will not accept from men because men or people in general will always take what they can get”.

“What you allow is what will continue”

The reason why Clare keeps running into these casual relationships is that she probably hasn’t communicated what she wants in a relationship. So even though she may want a relationship, she doesn’t show it in her actions. The perfect example is a women who hesitates to tell a man that she is looking for a relationship in the early stages of dating: “I don’t mean she has to be intense and demand a relationship from the get go. But a woman who wants a relationship will respect herself and not tolerate behaviour from men who aren’t serious”, says Nick. “If a guy only makes time for you sporadically and only when it’s convenient for him – he’s not looking for anything serious. But if you keep reciprocating his half fast efforts, what you’re telling him is that you’re not looking for anything serious either – that you can go on like this because you don’t need anything more”.

It’s like asking for a payrise. What you don’t ask, you don’t get.

A man who wants a relationship will make an effort to show you he cares. He’ll make time for you. If you want a man like that, you have to learn how to filter. This is why boundaries are important.

On Sleeping Together On a First Date

When you sleep with him has nothing to do with the outcome of your relationship (Read our Thats what he said free ebook, we have actual stats to back this up). Whether it turns into a casual or serious relationship depends on the boundaries you set. So if you continue to only hang out (and sleep) with him on his terms, you’re accepting his behaviour – meaning he doesn’t have to do anything more to get your attention (and more). Why work harder when you already have what you want?

If a guy is concisely asking you to hang out at his place every weekend, say something like “That sounds fun but I’m looking for a bit more than that. If you want to take me out on a proper date, I’m free next Wednesday =)”.

So How Do You Set Your Boundaries?

Make a list

Make a list of what you’re after in a relationship. Go beyond the obvious characteristics and physical features. Think about how you want to be treated, how you want to feel. It’s so much easier to figure out what you want when you decide what you don’t want. When I was single, one of the big things on my list was that he’d have to make time for me. And so when I dated guys who’d only be available once every 2 weeks, I knew they weren’t for me.

Tell It To Them Straight

Be confident about what you want and tell your date with honesty. I’m not saying you need to do this on the first date but doing so early will make sure no time is wasted. Nick uses probing questions to gauge someone’s dating ‘motives’. If you want to know how he feels about sleeping around, you can talk about your guy friend ‘Dan’, the serial dater who takes a new girl home every night. Ask him what he thinks of Dan’s behaviour, it’ll give you a good understanding of where he stands on sleeping around. If you’ve just met online and you want to know what his intentions are you can always ask him why he signed up to [Insert dating website].

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want

Don’t Give It Up Too Easily 

Nope we are not talking about sex. We’re talking about your time, your energy and your heart. Just like you would in friendships, people need to earn your trust and love. So why would you give it all up after 3 dates…especially if he hasn’t made much of an effort to earn it? I’ve seen many women get emotionally invested after a date or two when the relationship was premature. Be patient and see how and if things progress first before you give it all away (emotionally and physically).

It can be incredibly frustrating to see all your friends loved up when you can’t make it past the third date with a guy. But setting your intention is the first step in getting what you want. I used to be shy about telling people what I wanted. I feared that if I told a guy that I wanted a relationship, he’d freak out and run the other way. But, if a guy wants a relationship too, he won’t run. Because he’d want the same things too.

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