When You’ve Lost Yourself In a Relationship
I wrote this for a beautiful soul who’s just come out of a relationship.
I’m independent and never thought I’d ever rely on a man…until I came out of a 2+ year relationship and realised how dependent I actually was. When you fall into a relationship, two lives have a sneaky way of merging into one – homes, friends, schedules, families. You don’t realise how intertwined your lives are until you try to separate them in the aftermath.
So how do you find your identity again when you’re on your own and feel good about it?
Be Selective with the Advice You Take
When you’re fresh out of a breakup, you truly have a clean slate to re-invent yourself. Maybe all you can do is cry at the moment but at some point you’ll need to pick up the pieces in your life and put them back – and trust me, there will be plenty of people telling you how to do it. Don’t feel pressured to take all the advice, some may not be right i.e. I should not have taken the advice of downloading Tinder the week after a devastating breakup. It’s your life and if you don’t plan it, someone else will do it for you.
Have Solo Dates
I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do with my life when I came out of my last breakup. It came as a shock to me that I had completely lost myself in my previous relationship. I had no real hobbies and no social life outside the one I shared with my then boyfriend. I had turn into a hermit. I may have lost a loved one but what I gained back was time – a lot of it. So I dated myself. I explored the things I wanted, whenever I wanted. I made a conscious effort to stay away from dating sites and dating apps because the last thing I wanted was for someone else to define me when I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
Acknowledge and Dispel the Fears
Sadness and fear – two emotions that dominate your heart after a breakup. It’s hard enough to deal with the spontaneous crying but you’re also left with so many fears about your future as a single woman: “Is it too late for me to meet someone again?”, “Will I ever find someone who wants to marry me?”, “There are no good men left, all of them are already married.” Don’t beat yourself up over these thoughts, everyone has them past a certain age and those who tell you they don’t think about it – are lying. But you shouldn’t let these thoughts consume you. Your thoughts are powerful, they create reality. Replace those fears with the opposite, even if you don’t believe them right now: “It’s never too late to meet someone”, “There are good men left”.
I can tell you, there are good men left (you can even find them on a dating app like I did) and when you are well and truly ready to meet them, they’ll find a way to you.
If you’re going through a breakup, here are more articles you might like to read:
You are Single and Everyone is Engaged
The One Thing Single People Should Do
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