The secret to building connection is presence…
Lately I’ve been going to a lot of dance classes. Seeing that I like to turn everything into a blog post, it’s no surprise that the lessons have given me lots of inspiration. Last week in a class, my teacher reminded the follows (often the women) to stay in the present instead of trying to guess the next move the lead will throw at us. That reminded me of how most women date – we always want to know what’s next don’t we? When we’re on a date, we want to know right away if the guy is ‘the one’. We want to know if and when he’ll be ready to settle down. We LOVE the instant gratification of knowing.
But men have different agendas. They fall into relationships differently than women. They don’t dive head in right away like most women do. They simply move at a different pace. And when we try to take control and anticipate the next move, we miss out on the natural flow of a relationship, we miss out on the moment (or in my case, a very cool dance move). If you read my article How this one principle in dance can improve the early stages of a relationship, I talk about the importance of having one lead and one follow in a relationship. But this post is more about following and being present. It’s about the simple act of being present and how it can help you create connections you would have missed otherwise.
Here are 3 times we are likely to stray from being present + what you can do about it
1.On a first date
First dates. You’re full of nerves and worried about making an impression that will get you the second date. Before you’ve ordered drinks, you’re already wondering if this guy will be ‘the one’ you bring home next Christmas. You don’t know if he’s vegetarian or not but you’re sure he’d fit in at your family table of meat lovers. So many women get caught up in their idea of what a relationship should look and feel like, they miss out on getting to know the guy: “I’ve been on so many first dates that have felt like an interview. I get asked about my job, how long I’ve been in it, my hobbies…the questions are so generic. It’s like women have a list of questions to tick off. Nothing is really personalised. I may have an extra toe but most woman wouldn’t know, it’s not a question on their list”, Tom, 38. I speak to many men who express their frustrations with single women, the women who are just out to find a husband not a life partner. They are craving to meet women who just want to enjoy themselves on the first date, no strings attached.
The next time you’re out on a date – be aware of your own thoughts. Are they focused on the moment or are you thinking 5 months ahead and planning your wedding?
2. During an awkward conversation
This was inspired by a lovely woman I coached a few weeks ago. She was having a hard time connecting with a man she’d been seeing. Not knowing where she stood, she initiated the ‘what are we’ conversation. When I asked her how it went, she went on to tell me what she said, how she felt, how she thought she had compromised her values…etc. When I asked her how the guy responded (verbally and physically), she paused. She paused some more until she realised she had no idea what the guy had said. She confessed that she was so caught up in her own thoughts that she didn’t pay attention to the conversation.
You can’t have a serious conversation like this without fully listening. When we check out of a conversation, communication goes from two way to one way. To truly create connection, you need to be present, in the moment, free from distraction.
3. When you’ve gotten comfortable
You’re on a date with your boyfriend and you know it’s rude to check your phone but you’ve also just posted a picture on Instagram and you want to know how many likes it’s received. It’ll only take 10 seconds to check your phone right? Maybe. But that 10 seconds you spend on your phone will interrupt the flow of a conversation or a moment you’ve just shared with your man. Attraction and connection are synonymous and both are difficult to build when you’re taking 10 second breaks in make or break moments. It’s easy to get complacent when you’re already in a relationship but courtship in dating should be a continued effort. Don’t slack on working on your emotional and physical connection just because you’ve passed the honeymoon stage.
Pay attention to your conversations, listen and see how your relationships change. Easily distracted? Me too. As a multi-tasker, I constantly have my mind on a million things. Maintaining eye contact is a great way to stay present and focused on conversations. What are your tips for staying present?
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