Is it Acceptable to Talk About Your Salary on a Date?

In the early stages of dating, there are no-go zones. You have religion, politics and then there’s money. Money is a loaded topic but such a practicality in the every day – you need money to go on dates and well, live. Is it ever appropriate to talk about money during the first few dates? If not, when is the right time to have the money talk? In this article, both men and women weigh in and the answers aren’t so black and white.

There are some things you should never talk about on the first few dates. Religion and politics are the obvious ones but money can be just as taboo. There’s no doubt that money can cause strain in a relationship. In fact, research says it’s one of the top causes of relationship strain. But when you’re in the early stages of dating, is the salary talk necessary and acceptable? It all depends on context.

What the Guys Say

I Ain’t Saying She’s’ a Gold Digger But…

It’s hard to believe that in an age where women are more educated and earning a salary or owning their business, money talk still makes them a prime suspect for being a gold digger: “There is a certain group of women who earn a decent salary. They’re on about 80-85K and they spend all their money on clothes, shoes and facials. They have no savings and are waiting to get married so a man can rescue them. When I meet a woman like this and she wants to talk salary, I run for the hills”, says Nathan, 29.

Sometimes just talking around what money can buy can be a sensitive issue as is: “You can always spot a gold digger because she will always find ways to figure out your network without asking you directly. She’ll ask you about the school you went to, the suburbs you grew up in, your car, your friends, who you know…etc. Even if you can avoid the salary talk, you can’t avoid the women who are just after your money”, Michael 26.

“If we want to tell you how much we make, we will tell you. If a woman asks me how much I made, I’d probably never see her again. It’s never cool for anyone (guy or girl) to ask how much you make”, Cristian, 35.

What the Girls Say…

Men want to feel like you’re choosing to spend time with them for the people they are, not by how many 0s are in your bank balance. It’s why so many women shy away from asking about a guy’s salary. Ask about a guy’s salary too early on and he might question your intentions. Are men being too harsh to judge?: “Yes. Not all women are gold diggers. If I’m dating a guy in a similar industry than I am, I’d be curious to know if we were making the same kind of money. But of course I would never ask those kinds of questions, he’d think I’m a gold digger”, says Gail, 27.

Money is highly charged with emotions: shame, guilt, regret, joy…etc. When you throw the topic into a relationship that has not yet matured, you may be opening a can of worms. Everyone has a different relationship with money: “I wouldn’t share my salary with someone. It’s such a sensitive topic and knowing that I make less than the average person, I wouldn’t want a guy to judge me based on what I earn”, says Amy, 29.

When it comes to money talk, both genders prefer to keep it to a minimum, not only in the early stages of dating but also in their marriage. An American study found that 40% did not know how much their spouse made. Does this mean that money talk should be avoided at all costs? Not necessarily.

It Depends on Your Culture and Upbringing

In some cultures, it’s actually rude to ask about another’s income or talk about it openly. On the contrary, in some others it’s perfectly fine to discuss it openly before getting into a relationship. In the Chinese culture, most men and women date to get married and so it’s quite the norm to discuss finances and earning capabilities before a couple gets together. In a country where men outnumber women by 33million, a man’s ability to provide for his family may come into play when a women has many suitors to choose from.

Whether or not it’s appropriate to talk about money also has to do with your upbringing: “I grew up in a family where we didn’t talk about money. We just don’t share how much we earn,” Cristian, 36.

Is it Ever Appropriate to Talk Salaries?

Yes but only when money is necessary in the practical day-to-day running of your relationship and only when both parties are ready to discuss it. There’s no need to discuss salaries until money is involved in an activity you’re both doing. For example, when you’re planning a trip with your boyfriend/girlfriend and you want to set your expectations on how you want to travel – this is an ideal time to work out how much you both can afford and how you will plan and save for the trip together.

Having the money talk is really important when you’re sharing a life with someone and yet because it’s so emotionally charged, couples shy from talking about it all together.

Like politics and religion, money talk should be saved for the later stages of a relationship when you’ve established a connection without the complications of something as emotionally charged as money.

via unsplash