Why You Shouldn’t Rely On The Numbers Game To Find Love

A little while ago, I spoke with a very popular dating columnist about dating advice she gets from other dating experts. Over drinks she told me that a dozen of them had told her that it all comes from within. But one told her something completely different – that mindset and self love was bullshit. She said that at the core, finding love is purely a numbers game. In theory, it makes sense. The more people you date, the more chances you’ll have in finding love.

But here’s why it doesn’t work. It may be fun to date multiple men and ‘put yourself out there’ but when those dates don’t eventuate to anything more, it can leave you disappointed, jaded and bitter. Imagine what that does to your mindset? What it does to your beliefs about the kind of men who are out there? What’s more it that when you play the numbers game, you are relying your happiness on the revolving door of men who come and go. You give all your power away.

Here’s how I see it

Numbers Led Dating = finding happiness from the dates you meet and the prospect of it developing into something more

Mindset Led Dating = finding happiness within yourself AND from the dates you meet. If it doesn’t work out, you don’t feel anxious or needy because you can feel fulfilled without someone in your life

I asked single and coupled men about serial daters

I have a friend who is stunning – head turning kind of stunning. She’s carefree and likes to have multiple men in her life – some as ‘back ups’, others as ‘husband material’ and some as ‘friends’ who add value to her life in some way. At some point, I thought she was the ultimate catch and envied the attention she’d get from men. Until my catch up with a friend enlightened me. Whilst I saw my friend as a man magnet, Jeremy saw her as insecure and needy. When I probed, he explained: “It’s fine for a woman to date other guys but if I’m looking for a relationship, I’m not going to date someone who is openly dating other people. It makes me feel like I’m just another guy on the roster”.

Ben on serial daters: “I’m married now so I don’t know many single women but my wife has this one friend who is always dating a few guys. Yet every time we catch up with her, she is always pressuring my wife and I to be set up. I think it just makes her look…desperate”.

“I don’t care if someone I’m dating is seeing multiple guys. Sleeping with me and multiple men though, that’s different. That’s slutty. I know I may sound sexist but it works the other way around too. If I know I’m going to get intimate with someone, I stop seeing everyone else. It’s courtesy and safe practice”, Duncan.

You know I don’t believe in luck…

But I’m not sure if others agree. So I did a little Q&A with my guy panel:

When it comes to finding love, is it purely a numbers game?

Cristian: No. If you’re not in the right frame of mind, the numbers are irrelevant. Maybe my wife and I wouldn’t have got together if we met 5 years earlier.

Mark: Is winning the lottery purely a numbers game? Dating 100s of people doesn’t mean you’ll find the one sadly. There are many variables.

Nick:I don’t think it’s purely a numbers game. Sure, you have to put yourself out there and meet people, but it’s more about where you are in life, how you feel, how open you are and doing the internal work.

If someone told you that you had to go on a 100 dates to meet your future wife/partner, would you do it?

Cristian: Yes. But I would go on a lot of coffees instead of dinners. =)

Mark: Is there another way around it? It sounds exhausting. hahah

Nick:100 dates to definitely meet the right partner? I would absolutely do that!

How many women have you dated at the same time? 

Cristian: I’ve only dated one woman at once. I may have dated a few in the beginning but I would make decisions very early on. Dating two women would be insane.

Mark: Yes but no more than 3 women at a time. It gets hard to keep track of.

Nick:In the old days, at my peak, I simultaneously dated 7 women at once. It was all consuming and in many ways was an unhealthy practice. I could date 2 women at the same time now and 3 would be a challenge from a time management perspective.

Avoid dating burnout

There was a time where dating felt like a chore. It consumed practically all my free time until I realised there was more to life than dating. So if you’re feeling a little jaded about the men you’ve been meeting, take a break.

1. Set aside ‘me time’ at least once a week doing something you love
2. Catch up with friends (single or coupled)
3. Say yes to new adventures
4. If the numbers game isn’t working for you, try mindset led dating. It’s a lot more intentional than dating every person you match with
5. If you do decide to keep dating by the numbers, be present on all your dates. Finding love isn’t a game. The person who finds it first doesn’t necessarily win.

Final thoughts

If it was just purely numbers and there was a promise that we’d meet the one at the end of x number of dates, everyone would do it. Despite how bad dates 1-100 could be, we’d still push on knowing that there was a lovely light at the end of the tunnel. But it doesn’t always work that way does it? And not all of us have the drive to keep going when things aren’t going well.

I’ve always been a quality over quantity kind of girl. What a bout you?