I’m often asked how someone can find love in your 30s. Even though I’m happily married I will never forget the anxiety that came with being single in your 30s.
It can feel like you’re the only single person left.
No matter how hard you try, there are no guys you really click with.
Everyone keeps telling you that you’re too picky…
Or they give you the sympathetic ‘don’t worry, he’ll come when you least expect it’
Your parents are always asking when you’re going to give them grandchildren.
Everyone (your exes included) seems to be moving on except you.
All these things wreak havoc on your mindset, leaving a lot of women dating from a place of fear that they’ll be alone forever.
There’s no doubt that dating in your 20s is different from dating in your 30s but if you keep the following in mind you’ll find love in your 30s a lot faster than expected.
Remove the emotional baggage to find love in your 30s
If you’re single in your 30s, there’s a high chance that you come with emotional baggage. This could come in the form of trust issues, not feeling like you’re good enough (because your ex gave you a complex), hating men, detachment (fear of loss of freedom). The problem with this is that you bring baggage from an old relationship and expect your new partner/boyfriend/lover to mind the baggage. That’s like punishing your new man for something your ex did. Doesn’t sound fair does it? When you haven’t fully cleared your issues from previous relationships, you are jeopardising your new one. Plus, the baggage is yours. You owe it to yourself to dump it for good. Issues that aren’t resolved usually find a way to show up in other forms. Need help ditching the baggage? I have a short course that helps you ditch it and create the mindset to attract love.
Many smart single women deny themselves of what they really want. When a guy comes along with decent values and treats you sort of ok, you tend to have high hopes. Maybe you think he’ll change. Or that if you put 101% into the relationship he’ll reciprocate as well. And when he doesn’t treat us like the queen we want to be, you make excuses.
“Maybe he’ll change, maybe he’s just focussed on his career right now, maybe I’m too demanding”.
And because you feel time is running out, less than what your heart wants is acceptable.
Let me tell you that it’s not OK for guys to woo you with half fast effort. BUT it’s not necessarily their fault if they don’t. You need to communicate your needs. Men do want to make you happy, they do. They just need guidance to do it. If you want a guy to take the lead in a relationship, don’t show by example, suggest, influence – don’t take his role of leading. I talk a lot about this in Goodbye Casual Dating.
Learn how to understand men and communicate your needs
They don’t teach communication skills in school but if they did, all of our relationships would be so much easier. So many women I chat to are afraid of asking for the commitment they want because they don’t want to scare the guy away. But there are ways of communicating your needs so you aren’t wasting your time dating someone with the wrong goals (i.e. a guy who doesn’t believe in marriage). The sooner you can understand how to speak to men about relationships, the faster you’ll find a long term partner. You should know in 3 dates whether or not the guy you’re seeing has the potential to go the distance. On dates 1-3 you should know:
- His goal for dating
- His long term goals
- Whether or not you two have shared values (and if he ticks what you’re looking for)
- If there’s mutual chemistry
If you go into dating with a clear purpose, you’ll only need 3 dates to know if a guy is your guy.
Advice from my husband to 30 something singles:
My husband was also in his 30s when he met and he’s dated his fair share of 30 something singles. Here is the advice he’d give all 30 something single women looking to find their one:
- Don’t just date for the sake of finding anyone to marry. When you’re constantly telling your dates how much you want to get married, they automatically wonder if they’re dating you just to get married or if they actually like you.
- Have a life. Women who have their own thing going on and love life and so much more attractive than those whose only goal is to get married
- Be your own person. Don’t expect someone else to fill your void. It’s a lot of pressure for a guy.
- Don’t date someone for their potential. If you’re going to date them, you need to accept them for who they are, right now. No one likes to be told they need to change.
- Always pick shared values over shared interests. They go deeper. When I first met Iona, there was another woman I was kind of dating. Her and I had much more in common than Iona and I but the emotional connection and shared values won me over in the end.
Create a life that you love so much that other guys will think – I think I want to be a part of it.
When it comes to finding love at any age, it has a lot to do with mindset, knowing how to set boundaries, communicating your needs and understanding men. If you want to transform your love life I have a few courses that can help:
Not quite ready for courses yet? Download my free video series to learn how I went from single to engaged in 12 months.
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Iona is a Wellness Coach specialising in relationships and dating. She works with single women to write their own love stories.