Turning 30 is a big milestone but for me and most 30 somethings, it actually wasn’t that bad. Looking back, dating in my late 20s caused the most anxiety. I questioned whether I achieved enough, if I was keeping up with my friends and society’s expectations. But when I actually turned 30, nothing changed.
Recently I caught up with a girlfriend whose situation is one many singles can relate to. Meet my friend Yen Japney, founder of Otaku lens and Billionaire Beauties. In this Q&A, she sheds a lot of great insights about dating in your late 20s.
Men and women get so nervous about turning 30. Why do you think this is?
I think the thought of turning 30 is like a wake up call. Things get taken more seriously. It’s not like being in your 20s where you have time to waste and not worry about time.
I can only answer from a woman’s perspective. I feel that as a woman we worry about “our body clock”. Just the other day two of my girlfriends and I were talking about being in their mid 30s, single and with no kids. I’m 28 now (29 this year). Sometimes I still feel like I’m 24 lol.
Most of my friends are all a lot older then me. When my girlfriends knock me with a reality check, it does make you start taking things seriously. Their best advice to me is to value my time and be mindful of who I spend it with. I think as woman, we think more into the future, and plan ahead because “making babies” is in our hands. (well between our legs lol). The prime time in this day and age is to have babies at 31.
Given that.. I need to think: oh I need to have met someone.. then build the relationship/bond for at least 2 years, get engaged for a year, (I need time to decide on my dress, location, who to invite to the wedding).. then get married and theeeenn have the talk about babies.
I’m bad at math but the numbers tell me; I will be about 33 ish.
Relationship building= 2 years ish
Get engaged= 1 year ish
Get married = 1 year
And then time for babies = ?? (God knows when his sperm will hit one time wonder style!?)
And that’s only if everything works out like that but it’s never is that straightforward. True?
True. Everyone has a timeline mapped out. Did yours turn out in the time you wanted ?
When I was in my early 20s I said I wanted to be married and have kids by 27.
But I find as I get older.. things change. My goals in life change.
Nowadays, I’m more focus on NOT the end goal of “getting married and having kids.”
But .. more so like, “Am I ready for marriage? Am I ready to be a parent ? And am I with the partner whom I want to share and create that with now?”
I think that’s more important for me to know, as everything comes with big responsibilities. And I want to succeed in all aspect of my life. It’s not as simple as meeting a timeline.
What’s difficult about dating in 2018?
I don’t think it’s difficult. We just adapt.
But I think women are more empowered nowadays.
We can have our say.
It’s not about “ladies belonging in the kitchen” anymore.
We make just as much money as men.
But here’s the thing, we may be tougher but we still want to be looked after, we still want a man to treat us like a lady.
It’s nice when the man takes care of the bill. It’s nice to look up to your man and let him lead and take charge sometimes you know. Instead of playing “who’s got the power?” I think the biggest struggle is finding that balance.
If you had a fairy godmother what would you ask for?
To have the strength to overcome any adversity, challenges and obstacles. To be able to keep going no matter how hard it gets.
I can not agree more! It’s all in the mindset. So what have you learned about relationships in your 20s ?
I learnt that “Attachment” and “Love” are not the same.
And that it’s not about “getting the guy.” But more about, “Is he the right guy for me?”
Running a business and juggling my love life isn’t easy. When I run my business, I set goals and I achieve them. In a relationship it’s not quite like that.
It’s time consuming and takes a lot of time, like getting to know them, qualifying them, filtering through the shitty ones, learning about them.
Because I work for myself, and my time is limited. I’m all about efficiency.
I use a three step system when I was using dating apps.
I couldn’t justify wasting time with someone I didn’t have a connection with, or didn’t like the sound of his voice etc. (pictures are deceiving)
Step 1. The vibe check
Do we get along via chat ? Does he seem desperate? Is he interesting ? What kind of topic do we get on with?
If they pass this step, I move onto step 2.
Step 2: The phone check
If we vibe on text messages, I’d take it to the phone. I’d call the guy. (I do this because I’ve had guys who were creeps and non stop harassing me. It also puts me in control instead of waiting for a guy to call me). Chatting over the phone gives me a chance to see if we “vibe”. I find I can get a better feel of their energy etc. Sometimes humour can get lost in text messages.
In a phone call I can answer the following questions:
Do we have a lot to talk about?
Is it awkward?
Does he sound sleezy?
Does it feel genuine or trying to hard ?
How does he respond to me when I drop something weird on him lol (that’s my favourite!)
Does he get my sense of humour ?
And then if they pass that stage..
We move onto step 3.
Step 3: First date
I always only do coffee/drink and it should limit to about 1 hour. No longer.
Never do dinner or movies on first date.
Take it from me, I remember going on a date and we got along soooo well over the phone and when we met, he looked nothing like his photo and he was .. well about the same height as me.. (I’m not being mean but, you know I like them a bit taller then me so when I wear heels .. call me shallow I don’t care!)
I loveeeee food, and I’m the 3 course meal type of chick. I didn’t order desserts lol.
If things works out then I’d make the second date a dinner date. =)
Thanks Yen for the Q&A. I’m sure you’ve given the readers a few scenarios they can relate to. =) If you want to understand the difference between dating in your 20s vs 30s, watch the video:
It’s difficult to balance a business and finding a relationship while coping with the pressures to couple up. Dating in your 20s can be stressful because most people have it in their heads that they need to achieve a checklist of things by the time they turn 30. If you’re tired of trial and error in dating, check out these courses to help fast track your way to health love.
Can you relate to Yen’s situation? Leave a comment.
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Iona is a Wellness Coach specialising in relationships and dating. She works with single women to write their own love stories.