If you were Mr.Right, would you date you?

Iona is a Wellness Coach specialising in relationships and dating.…

I’m so blessed that I get to have conversations with both single men and single women. And the thing that’s keeping singles single is a misunderstanding between the two sexes.

Most single women I know in their 20s and 30s want men to step up, to approach, to woo them. They want them to make an effort. And most single men I know in the same brackets have no issue doing so as long as the women are putting in some of the work.

Excerpts from my conversations with single men:

Instead of wondering when Mr.Right is going to come along or where to go to meet him, focus on being the Ms.Right that Mr.Right would want to date.
Every woman is looking for Mr.Right but my question is, would Mr.Right want to date them?
Instead of hating us so much, why don’t they look within? Relationships are a two way street, women can’t expect us to do all the work.
I have no issues pursuing, but they have to be a woman I’d want to date.
Approaching women and asking them out takes a lot of courage, women don’t get that. They need to give us something to work with. Don’t create boring online dating profiles. If you want us to approach you in real life, don’t stand there with a group of girlfriends with your arms crossed and your back towards us. How are we meant to know you want us to approach you?

Everyone’s definition of Ms.Right is different but here are a few things that Ms.Rights usually get right:

1. They know that their CV does not make them a catch

Intelligence, ambition and a job title to match may make your parents proud but when it comes to creating an emotional connection with men, it takes much more than a CV. Some women will say to me: “I’d want to date me. I’m smart, graduated from xxx college and I have a great job”. But physical and emotional attraction often has nothing to do with your job and everything to do with how you make people feel.

Which brings me to the next point…

2. They don’t hate men

I’m sure you’ll agree that like attracts like. Yet I’m often surprised when I speak to single women who want to find love but hate men.

Because you can’t find love with a hateful energy.

It’s like going to a job interview for a job you know you’ll hate. Think of the energy you’ll bring to the interview, the lack of enthusiasm. And now think of the interviewer on the other side. Would they want to hire you?

It’s the same in dating. If you go into a date already thinking that men suck, the guys are left fighting an uphill battle before the first date.

3. They know how to communicate their feelings

The biggest misunderstanding between couples is typically a miscommunication of feelings.

Often we show up angry, frustrated or moody in our relationships because we can’t pinpoint what’s bothering us. We don’t often stop and think ‘wait, why does it bother me so much that he leaves his dishes in the sink?’ or ‘why does it bother me that he’s going out with his best friend?’.

Maybe we’re frustrated with the dishes in the sink because we don’t feel our partner is appreciating us or maybe we’re resentful that our partner has time for his best friend but not for us.

If we can point out what’s really bothering us, we can get to the root of the problem and just beat it with a stick.

The dishes get done. Our partner tells us how thankful they are that they’ve been done.

Your man goes out with his best mate but also plans a romantic date with you on the next day.

Someone who’s great in relationships (this goes for both men and women) can ID exactly what they need.

4. They set boundaries

Most singles I know have boundaries but the issue isn’t in identifying them. It’s the fear of communicating them. Example:

Jenny meets a great guy named Doug. They go on a few dates and Doug seems great. On the 3rd date, Doug wants to get intimate. Jenny isn’t comfortable with this. She’d rather take it slow and steady. But she doesn’t want to create conflict with Doug and potentially miss out on a great guy.

So she sleeps with him before she is ready.

And after the fact, she beats herself up for it. When she doesn’t hear from him, she gets anxious. Her mind starts to wander about him losing interest. Eventually, her insecurity gets the best of her as she regrets not setting the boundaries in the first place.

Ms.Rights know where to draw the line in her relationships. She’s not afraid of communicating what she wants and needs in a relationship.

5. They’re assertive but feminine

They have an opinion but they know that they don’t always have to be right.

She’s assertive but in a feminine way. She doesn’t take over the conversation. She doesn’t put a guy down for not knowing the same things she knows. It’s not always about ‘winning’ for her.