I confess that I watched this season of The Bachelor Australia. And to make myself feel better about the number of hours invested in trashy TV, I decided to pull some lessons from it. Mainly I was curious about the difference between a girlfriend and wife. What is it that makes a woman ‘wife material’? What are the 9 things men want in a woman? The following may surprise you…
They don’t want someone to make them better, they want someone to love them just as they are
Men aren’t looking for someone to change them or to make them a better person. The men in happy relationships become better men because they’re accepted for who they are. And when people aren’t afraid to let their guard down and be vulnerable, they show up as their best selves.
“It was such an easy decision marrying Jax. She was the only woman who didn’t want to change the way I dressed or did my hair. She just let me do my own thing. I wanted her to have the best version of me. So I made it a point to become a better man”. Anthony, 32.
They don’t just want sexual chemistry, they want intellectual compatibility
I recently read that ‘normal’ couples have sex once a week to once a month! It explains why so many relationships fizzle at the three month mark. The physical aspect of a relationship slow down and a couple is left to see what else they have in common besides their shared bedroom interests. On top of sexual chemistry, men also want someone they can chat to, someone who can stimulate them.
“She doesn’t have to be a doctor or anything. But I like a girl who can challenge my thinking, someone who doesn’t agree with everything I say. That would be so boring. My girlfriend speak four different languages and whenever we travel to a new city, I get to see her put them to use. It’s incredibly attractive”, says Chris.
They don’t just want shared interests, they want shared values
I’ve mentioned this before that there is a big difference between shared interests and shared values. One is superficial and the other determines how we prioritise our lives. Shared interests could be a love for snowboarding or dancing. Shared values is spending time with family or health and wellbeing. Just before Cristian and I met, he went on a date with a woman who shared similar interests to him. And then we met and discovered we didn’t have all that in common. He liked the snow. I moved to sunny Sydney to escape it. His idea of a good time was roughing it in the wilderness with no mobile reception. Mine was water sports by a beach villa.
And somehow, five year later… our relationship continues to grow. We’ve adopted shared interests along the way but what keeps us together are our shared values.
They don’t want things to be exciting all the time, they want spontaneity
As Esther Perel puts it, we want our partners to be everything to us. We want the comforts or a relationship but we also want feel the excitement of courtship. The perfect sweet spot in my opinion, is spontaneity. Things don’t have to be exciting all the time but just once in awhile, men (and women) loved to be surprised. Think of a date night out to somewhere you’ve never been or a weekend getaway.
They don’t just want a woman who’s kind to them, they want someone who’s kind to everyone
You can tell so much about a person in the way they treat others. My friend Mark once dated a woman who was amazing to him but extremely rude to everyone around her. Seeing the two sides of her really made him realise that if she could treat others so badly, she’d eventually treat him the same way.
You can be all the things about and still be the perfect woman for the wrong guy. Because there are so many more ingredients that make up a recipe to lasting love. They include a solid dating mindset, emotional compatibility and relationship readiness on both sides. Want to learn more?
Download my FREE Attraction Mindset mini course .
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Iona is a Wellness Coach specialising in relationships and dating. She works with single women to write their own love stories.