5 Things Every Dater Must Know

Dating is like navigating through a matrix of moving targets and destinations. It’s two people trying to figure out what they want, who they are whilst seeing if the other person is a good fit for them. In addition to dating etiquette, we also need to be mindful of the other person’s feelings and expectations. Let’s be realistic, dating is a numbers game and there’s no doubt rejection is inevitable but there are 5 things you need to know to make it a bit easier for you and your dates. Be courteous, considerate and thoughtful and you’ll enjoy the journey a whole lot more.

Your Intentions

Whether you are looking for a long term relationship, a fling or random hookups (not recommended), you need to let your date know what your intentions are as concise and as early on as possible. It keeps those early stages of a relationship free from confusion wondering what this will be. I emphasize concise because any ambiguity will give the other person an opportunity to ‘fill in the blanks’ with their own expectations or misconstrued interpretations. It’s a possibility for miscommunication which is never good. If your date hasn’t told you it’s okay to ask, just to know you’re on the same page. Oh the many times I’ve made the mistake of not asking this simple question only to find out we were not on the same page or chapter even.

Nick: In my experience it is far better to state what you want from a particular person almost immediately as it saves time and potential hurt if your wants and needs are misaligned.

This aspect however requires tact, authenticity and care otherwise you could easily scare off or turn off your date. While I am upfront about what I want, I have learned that approaching the conversation with honey works far better than vinegar. This is especially true if you want to establish a non-monogamous type relationship.

Limit Great Expectations 

It seems from early on, it’s easy to expect the world from our potential partners – imposing our values and expectations on them as if they were already our bf/gf. If they don’t return a text or ask us out xx times a week like our exes did, we freak out and question their feelings for us. Know that everyone has a different dating style and their own timeline for getting to know another person. Just because your bestie fell in love with her man at week 2, it doesn’t mean you have to too. Unless you’ve entered a relationship, the early stages of dating has few rules. It’s your time to assess if the other person is worth pursuing in the long run. Take time to get to know them for who they are.

Nick: As most 30 somethings know, expectations in any area of life can be a killer! I used to have an expectation that New Years Eve would be the best party of the year, with fireworks, champagne, laughs, gorgeous, scantily clad women who desired me like George Clooney. Inevitably because I had built up the night so much in my mind, no matter how great the party, it never lived up to my expectations. When I went in with the attitude to just have fun and enjoy the night, it usually did turn into the best party of the year.

Expectations can ruin a date or the process of getting to know someone, just as fast as a party. Leave your expectations at the door, accept that everyone is different and enjoy the ride.

 Stop it with the Over Analysis

I’m sure many of you will know, over thinking anything in life will drive you dizzy with no tangible outcome. Even the best of us are guilty of doing it. How many times have you and your friends looked at a text and wondered what those xxxxs at the end of the text meant? (btw – they mean nothing unless it is a real, physical kiss). Stay in the present and stop pondering if the dating will eventuate into a long term relationship or if you and him/her would make beautiful babies. I know some of you may be looking to settle down but in rushing through the process, you miss out on some seriously fun times. Enjoy dating for what it is. Just because you are serious about settling down it doesn’t mean you have to be serious about every guy that comes along.

Nick: Over analysis and thinking can be an incredibly destructive force! The more you think, the more your brain will get in the way of feeling. An individual’s feeling and intuition is a far better and more powerful (especially in woman) barometer of a situation than the brain. The brain will confuse the issue, create internal stories that aren’t helpful and generally stop you being fully present.

Enjoy the Journey and Stop Thinking About the Destination

As a thirty something single, it is so easy to rush into finding ‘ the one’ but the more we rush the more we will compromise. Know what you want and stick with it. Be patient. I enjoy being in relationships but have to admit, I’ve also loved my carefree single days. Meeting new people and dating helps you understand who you are and what you need in a partner. Just understand that not every guy you meet will be the one. That said, date the ‘wrong’ type of guys, figure out what you want…enjoy the journey and have faith you’ll find your destination at the end.

Nick: I am just going to reference the article on Patience in relationships! 😀

Don’t Date Your Type

So the guy you’ve just met isn’t your usual preppy, alpha male looking type. You should still give him a chance. Your single days are the best time to explore your options. You may be missing out on some great people if you limit yourself to the dating pool. More so, if dating a type hasn’t worked out in the past, perhaps it’s time to revisit what you need in a  partner anyway.

Nick: Say YES more! Say YES instead of NO! If you’re in your 30s and single and only dating a particular type of guy or girl and not getting anywhere, maybe it is time to reevaluate your decision making paradigm. Why not try dating someone that may not be perfect on the outside, but is amazing on the inside. If there isn’t the chemistry, you could end up with a wonderful friend.

Enjoy the moment sums up the sentiment of this post. Be open, be present, be honest and most importantly have fun.

Photo credit: Daniele Martinie